Some New Disaster
by DangerousMuteLunatic
Summary: Chell is free, but is she really? Unable to leave her history behind her, she must join with past friends and enemies and venture back underground. Major pairings, warning: will be very long. Major Spoilers. Summary to change.
1. Prologue

**Well, here we are again. It's always such a pleasure. This is the start of a story that has been rolling around in my messed-up head for a few weeks, and at the urges of my fans (read: Portal-crazed BFFs) I have finally decided to post it. Please enjoy, and remember, we're not banging rocks together over here.**

**[Note: I'm operating under the assumptions that HL… didn't happen? If you feel that the worlds **_**must**_** be the same, just assume that society has been rebuilt since the Combine attack.]**

Prologue

They found her unconscious in a wheat field in the middle of nowhere. She lay curled protectively around a badly burnt metal box, a few feet from a small, dilapidated old shed. When they went to examine the box, she awoke before they even touched it. She clutched it tighter, pulling back in fear. It seemed almost as though she had never seen another human before, or nearly never. They asked her who she was. She opened her mouth and pushed, but no sound came out. She tried again, finally managing to croak out "Ch…Ch…Chell."

"Is that your name?" they asked gently, as though she were a wild deer that would dart as soon as she was startled. She nodded, her ponytail bouncing up and down. "What happened to you?"

She spoke again, softly at first, uncertain of her own voice. "I…I was… underground. She… tested me. So many tests…" Her voice cracked. She began talking faster. "And the cake, She said there would be cake, but I knew better. The walls… they all told me it was a lie, so I knew She had it in for me. Oh, yes, I knew." Once she got going, there was no stopping her. She babbled incessantly, to them, to herself, to her cube. She kept casting nervous looks at the tiny shed. "And the turrets, the creepy little child voices that sing so beautifully, they tried to kill me too, see?" She lifted up one pant leg, revealing several half-healed wounds. "And right after, She made me burn-" she froze, staring over at where one member of the group was getting dangerously close to the cube. She lunged for it, fury in her grey-blue eyes. "I won't let you touch it! It's mine! I will never, _ever_, let anything happen to it again!"

They all backed slowly away from her as she began to cry.

jO

Twenty minutes later, she was admitted into a mental hospital. Due to her screaming, kicking, cries of desperation and even threats to commit suicide, they allowed her to bring her severely scorched cube with her. Soon she had her own rubber room and was happily chatting away to her precious cube, stroking it gently. Soon everyone in the area knew of "Lab Girl" and her mysterious "burnt box."

jO x 3

Chell was perfectly content to sit alone with her beloved companion. She had an inexplicable urge to _tell_, to tell anyone and everyone what had happened to her. All the words that had gone unspoken in her seemingly endless life underground came pouring out of her. Confusion at her initial surrounding on her first day of testing, snippy comebacks directed at GLaDOS (some of which were quite good), even exclamations of pain she had held back when being shot, zapped, and burned. She sobbed openly, recalling all of the horrible things GLaDOS had said and done to her, and cried even harder when she thought of the thinly-veiled kindness and strange, GLaDOS-brand mercy she had been shown the last time they had spoken.

Everyone at the mental hospital agreed that she was an unusual case. Even her daily meals caused unexpected, unexplained reactions. Lemonade, for example, made her laugh. Apples made her cry. Once she very carefully picked apart her baked potato, searching for something. And the time they made the mistake of bringing her chocolate cake as a treat, she became so frightened that she hid behind her cube until they took the offending pastry away.

**You didn't really think she could adapt to normal life, did you? Poor Chell. Anyway, next chapter will include a **_**very**_** special guest. I bet you'll **_**never**_** guess who it is.**

"**Ok, she's not even trying to be subtle anymore. Or maybe she is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad."**

**Thank you, GLaDOS. DMLunatic out!**


	2. A Visitor

**Sorry, I meant to update yesterday. To make up for it, I'll double update today. I'll try to update every day from now on, but I apologize in advance. And now, some cuteness!**

Chapter 1

"Ms. Chell?" a hospital employee poked his head into her room, interrupting a rather lively reenactment of a massive turret ambush.

"Holy- Oh, GLaDOS, you _would_ do that to me, wouldn't you? Let's see, portal here portal there, GAH! That was close. Haha! Gotcha! Don't hate me, do you? Good to know." She looked up, slightly annoyed. "What?"

"You have a visitor." The employee replied, evidently startled by her random speech.

"Visitor? Hmm… Nope, I don't know any visitors. If it's GLaDOS, please tell Her to come back later. I'm busy." She turned back to her Companion Cube to resume her story.

"Well, this one insists he knows you." The employee calmly stepped aside. "Right this way, sir."

A young man, maybe in his twenties, entered the room. Chell caught a glimpse of sandy blonde hair before spotting something in his eyes that made her immediately drop her eyes and focus on his feet. He wore nice, shiny black leather loafers. She refused to look up.

"Chell…" the newcomer murmured softly, choked with pain.

Chell stiffened. She knew only one person (using the term "person" loosely) who spoke like that, like he had pushed a thousand things from his mind to focus. But it couldn't be! He was long gone. She had to make herself realize that! Slowly, almost against her will, her gaze travelled upward, taking in his dark grey, neatly pressed pants.

"Chell, it's me… It's me… Please remember me…" he whispered, his British accent cracking with emotion.

She kept slowly looking up. _It's not him, it can't be him, it just isn't possible,_ she kept telling herself. She saw a blue sweater vest against a grey polo shirt. Her eyes halted at his neck. In the center of his light grey bowtie was a large blue glass gem. It was the perfect shade, and it had the all too familiar hairline crack through it._ Nononononono, oh god, no, it's not possible, it can't be!_

"Chell, look at me." He gently lifted her chin so their eyes met. His rectangular, wire-rimmed glasses could not disguise the brilliant blue color of his eyes.

Chell whispered, barely audible, "Wheatley?"

He nodded with a small smile. "Hello, luv."

Chell flung her arms around his neck. "I-I thought…" she sobbed, "I thought I would never see you again…"

He smiled and returned the hug. "So did I. But, Chell… I-"

Wheatley was abruptly cut off as Chell drew back sharply and smacked him across the face. Hard.

"You tried to kill me!" she shrieked. "You wanted me dead, didn't you? You almost blew me up!"

Wheatley forced back tears. "I know Chell, and I am so, so sincerely-" Again he was cut off as Chell lunged at him. He raised his hands to defend himself, certain she was going for his throat. He defiantly didn't expect what came next.

Chell pinned him to the floor and _kissed_ him passionately. Wheatley was stunned for a few seconds, unsure of what was going on. Then, tentatively at first, he began to kiss her back.

**Awwwwness! Save a core from incinerator today and leave a review!**


	3. Explainations

**Here you go, double update. This should explain a bit of... well, everything.**

Chapter 2

"Wheatley?" Chell had released her hold on his collar.

"Yes, luv?" He sat back against the wall, his polo unbuttoned.

"I should have asked before. I mean, I noticed before, of course, but I was a little busy being surprised at the fact that you're, you know, alive. What I mean to say is-" _Yikes!_ She thought. _I'm beginning to sound like him!_ She smiled sheepishly. "Wheatley, you're human! How? Where? When? Why? Last time I saw you, you were a corrupted little sphere in lunar orbit. How did you find me?"

"It's a long story…" Wheatley began.

Chell rolled her eyes and gestured to the confines of her rubber room. "I've got time to listen."

"Well, I was just floating there with that single-minded twit…"

And so they fell into their previously accepted roles, with Wheatley jabbering away and Chell listening silently.

)o(

"So I was floating, and he was screaming 'space' for the eighty thousandth and forty-second time, and yes I counted, it's amazing what the boredom of space makes you use extra computing power for, and anyway I pick up on this homing signal. Space didn't feel it, and I think he's happier that way, really." Wheatley sighed, remembering the little yellow-eyed core. Pesky as he was, it was far better than being alone in space. For a moment, he worried about the poor bloke, out there all by himself._ No, he's not alone. He has the entire universe to keep him company._ "The signal pulled me back to Aperture," he resumed his story. "She said She needed me to do odd jobs for her, chores, y'know? Stuff nobody else wants to do. I have no idea why She pulled me back out of space for that instead of building, I don't know, a Chores Core or something. For a while I thought it was supposed to be punishment, as in, give Wheatley all the rubbish jobs to teach him a lesson, but straight-up painful torture is more Her style. It's like, She knew I was miserable, and She felt _bad_ for me. Can you imagine? But it also seemed like she loathed that feeling, so I didn't ask questions, naturally."

Chell nodded knowingly. "Caroline is back."

Wheatley stared at her. "Who?"

Chell snickered. "GLaDOS before she got put in a computer. Cave Johnson's secretary."

Wheatley looked even more confused. "Who's secretary?"

Chell rolled her eyes. "Former CEO of Aperture Science Innovators." Before Wheatley could ask the inevitable "What?", Chell explained, "That's what Aperture Science used to be called. Go on."

Wheatley raised a pencil-thin eyebrow. "You're saying GLaDOS was once a _human_?"

"Sort of. More like GLaDOS has a human in her. Like a conscience. She told me She deleted Caroline, but either She recovered her or never deleted her in the first place. Sounds like Caroline felt sorry for you and forced GLaDOS to bring you back."

Wheatley still looked lost.

"Well?" Chell urged. "That explains why you're alive, and back on Earth. But how did you get like" Chell gestured up and down, indicating Wheatley's handsome human form, "this?"

"Well…" Wheatley blushed. "I… I missed you."

"You missed me? After you tried to _kill_ me?"

"I know, I know, but I really am sorry about that. It just felt like it was another test. By the time I could think straight through the corruption, you were just about to push the button. I knew it would explode. I wanted to save you. I told you to stop. But of course you didn't listen. Why would you? I was a monster, and I couldn't help you, and I'm just so sorry…"

In response, Chell leaned forward and kissed him again.

Unsurprisingly, he shut up.

"So you missed me, and then what?" Chell urged him on.

"I knew She would notice immediately if I left the facility, and besides, you may have noticed my lack of legs. I was locked back onto my management rail, and I was pretty sure that the death threat was real this time. So I had to find a body. The living test subjects wouldn't do, and I wasn't about to force a transfer into a corpse. I considered finding an unused robot, but She'd still be able to track me."

"And then? Doesn't sound like you had many options." said Chell curiously.

"And then I found eight test subjects in stasis, in a test system called 'Core Personality Transfer' and I was just thinking, perfect! I'm a core who needs a transfer. I flipped through their files, and, well, I think you should have a look at this." Wheatley pulled a folded piece of paper from his back pocket and handed it to Chell.

She smoothed it out against the edge of her Companion Cube to read the official-looking print. She gasped when she saw what it said.

**Core Personality Transfer Initiative**

Name: Wheatley Merchant

Former Employment: None.

Birthplace: Bristol

IQ: Below average.

Testing Status: Has trouble solving basic tests, taking the most complicated solution possible. Removed from testing to be used as Intelligence Dampening Sphere to restrict rational thought in GLaDOS project.

Wheatley grinned at her. "See? I chose this gent 'cause he has the same name as me! What are the odds, huh?"

Chell's palm hit her forehead. "Seriously?"

Wheatley frowned. "What?"

"Did you even read the rest of it?"

"Well, yeah, but he's not much like me except the name. And being British, I guess."

"Intelligence Dampening Sphere?"

"Hey! That's… true… but…"

"Trouble solving basic tests? Low-"

"That's uncalled for!" he protested.

Chell looked at him with narrowed eyes. "Boxes with legs?"

Wheatley blushed scarlet. "Those were a good idea…" he mumbled.

"Look, you know what I think? I think this man," Chell gestured to Wheatley's new body, "I think he was you, or maybe you were him, at some point."

"But… I'm…" Wheatley stumbled over his words, trying to take it all in. "If I was… a human… wouldn't I, you know, remember it?"

"This is Aperture Science we're talking about here. It's not like they don't know how to wipe somebody's memory." Chell pointed out reasonably.

"But… me? A smelly human? I mean… oh, sorry, didn't mean to offend, but really?"

"I know it's a lot to take in, but it's the most logical answer."

"Look, we can… talk about this later. Anyway, I downloaded me into him, I guess. Let me tell you, it hurt like bloody hell, not as bad as being put into Her, I suppose, but bad enough. Waking up as a human was… strange. At first I couldn't even see, and you know what I thought? I thought 'Oh, great, more minor serious brain damage. Brilliant.' Then I found these glasses on the table, learned to walk," Chell noticed the many dark bruises on his arms and legs, "and escaped the facility! It wasn't easy, mind you, but once I did, it wasn't too hard to find you! I mean, no offense, but how many mysterious ladies wearing test subject jumpsuits show up randomly in wheat fields? Not many, I bet. Although, the talking thing was defiantly surprising. I thought you were mute, or brain damaged, or something."

Chell chuckled. "No, just stubborn. I refused to give GLaDOS, or anything at the center for that matter, the satisfaction of a response. Sorry about that, by the way. The jumping thing… in all honesty, I was just messing with you. Silence had become habit for me. I guess that got me a little bit insane…" The look on her face was one of sad realization.

"What? No, you're not insane! Just… brain dam-" Chell shot him a look "I mean, um, traumatized. Anyone would agree that you've been under a lot of stress, and… um…"

"A lot of stress? That's probably the understatement of the century. I've been living underground since I was eight! I've been shot at, taunted, and threatened with death more times than I care to remember! I've been put in suspension for god knows how long, only to be woken up by a little metal ball that was just going to turn on me at the first-" She stopped rambling, seeing the hurt in Wheatley's eyes. "Oh, Wheatley, I didn't… I'm sorry, I just…"

"It's alright if you hate me, you know." Wheatley began giving one of his pre-prepared apology speeches "I'd hate me, too. I do hate me, actually. I've had quite a bit of time to dwell on it, and I've come to the conclusion that I am the worst friend that ever lived, and that I would be the luckiest robot, man, whatever, in the whole world, no, the whole universe, if I could possibly do anything to even begin to get you to forgive me for what I did."

"Oh, Wheatley." Chell leaned forward and whispered the words he had been aching to hear for so long. "_I forgive you."_


	4. Free Again

**I lied, XP. Forget about daily updates, apparently summer isn't lazy enough for me. I will update as often as possible.**

"Look, you need to let her come home." Wheatley was arguing with the man at the front desk. Chell sat in the waiting room, watching.

"Our records indicate that Chell was homeless when she came to us." The secretary pulled out a file to make his point.

"She'll have a home with me! I've got a nice apartment where she can stay, at least until she gets her own place."

"Regardless, she is in no condition to leave this facility." Chell tensed visibly on that last word, but she forced herself to relax, for her own sake as much as Wheatley's.

"What are you talking about? She's fine! Look at her!" Sure enough, her conversation with Wheatley had relaxed her. Finally being able to talk to someone who understood what she was talking about had quieted her to the point where she was almost back to her usual, stoic self.

"I will admit that Miss Chell's… symptoms have eased up since you arrived. However, that does not mean that she is, in any sense, cured. I must insist that she remain here until we are absolutely positive that her mental condition is stable."

"Well, here's what I think we should do." Wheatley laced his fingers together, deep in thought. "You let me take Chell out of this place, and we come back in one week. You can assess her progress, and if you still think she's insane, you can keep her." It was a reasonable plan, one Wheatley was rather proud to have thought of. _Not a moron,_ he thought proudly.

"Hmmm…" The secretary thought it over. "A one week trial period of home treatment. That just might do it. I'll get the paperwork, I suppose."

The moment he was out of sight, Wheatley grinned broadly. He turned and gave Chell a big thumbs-up.

Chell smiled too. She could finally leave here! Maybe have a normal life! Although, thinking about it, her ever being "normal" seemed unlikely at best. Well, at least she could have some good food, maybe a comfortable bed. No, scratch that. The last time she slept in a bed, she had woken up 99999- later. Food, at least.

Wheatley managed to put a serious expression on his face but the time the secretary returned with the paperwork. The waivers and clauses swam before his eyes. Sighing, Chell held out her hand. He gave her the papers. She read through them, explaining the finer points of her release. Before long, the papers were signed and initialed in all the right spots, and Chell was in a cab with her best friend-turned enemy-turned friend again.

She turned to him and said, "We're not going back there in a week, are we?"

He smiled. "What do _you_ think?"

She sighed contentedly and leaned back in her seat.

She was free.

Again.

**Ugh, more short chapter is short, I am so sorry. Next chapter will have more Aperture stuff. Very official.**


	5. Normal?

Soon Chell was settled in the second bedroom of Wheatley's small apartment, along with her companion cube. The room was sparsely furnished, with a twin size bed, a writing desk, and a little closet. Chell had no idea what she would be writing that required a desk, nor did she have enough clothes to justify a closet, but having them made it homier, she supposed. She positioned her cube beside her bed as a side table, placing a table lamp directly over the top heart and an alarm clock on the corner piece closest to her bed. Once her room was all set up, she joined Wheatley in the apartment's living room.

"Check this out!" Wheatley pulled out a black backpack sporting a blue Aperture logo from beside the couch. "I managed to smuggle some stuff out before I left." Unzipping the bag, he began to empty it of its contents. The first item he pulled out was a slim black laptop. "I managed to download some information off of my old hard drive into this! Pretty cool, huh?"

Chell was impressed. She hadn't realized he could be tech-savvy. When he was in control of the facility, he had spent more time and effort superimposing his name into the logo than trying to maintain the nuclear reactor that kept the place from exploding.

Wheatley noticed her disbelief. "Don't be so surprised." He sounded put-out. "I spent more than your natural lifetime as a computer; I certainly had the opportunity to pick up a few things." He reached into the bag again.

The next thing out of the bag was a large wad of cash. "Enough to rent this apartment, and get some new clothes, and I guess to get some other stuff, too." Wheatley seemed very pleased with himself.

"How did you get this?" She asked, hoping he didn't do anything illegal.

"Apparently, Aperture was fairly well off on Bring Your Daughter To Work day."

"But I thought the company couldn't afford seven dollars worth of moon rocks!"

"Maybe Old Aperture couldn't, but at least the scientists in our Aperture had money. And besides, they don't need it anymore." He grabbed the last thing in the bag.

"A… a radio?" Chell was startled. She had seen these semi-circle shaped radios in her first stasis chamber, and stashed around test chambers, always playing that upbeat salsa tune.

"Uh-huh! Look! It still works!" He extended the antenna and turned a knob, only to be greeted by a burst of static. Chell rolled her eyes, took the radio, and dropped it on the floor. Instantly, the familiar song started to play.

"Huh. Well, then, apparently, if something doesn't work, ah, hit it. That seemed to work… pretty well, actually." Wheatley seemed to be talking for the sake of talking now, like he had always done when they were traveling the labs.

Chell sat down in front of the little radio, trying to place words to the song. She could almost hear an Aperture motto among the notes. "_Aperture Science: We do what we must because we can._" She looked up at Wheatley. "Does it play any other songs?"

"I don't know. I suppose it must, I mean, it _is_ a radio, so it must get some sort of signal."

Chell fiddled with the dial, tuning in and out of the salsa music. Suddenly, that voice, _that voice_, burst from the speakers. "What the _hell_ have you done this time, moron?"

)o(

After that, Chell had worked for hours on that radio, trying to pick up the signal again. She managed to catch some sad song about feeling like a trial, and she found some more lyrics to the old song, but she couldn't find GLaDOS again.

"Ah, hey, you wanna go out tonight, or something?" Wheatley poked his head into her room. "We could go to dinner, maybe see a movie? After all, I've got money." They had been shut up in the apartment for days, mainly because Chell had become accustomed to staying up for days at a time without food or rest. Wheatley still wasn't quite sure about all of the feelings he was having in his new (old?) human body, but he was fairly certain that humans needed food quite frequently, and the unpleasant noises his old (new?) stomach was making probably meant that he needed nourishment. _Now_.

Chell put down the radio, which had switched to static again. "Sure, I guess. Got any place in mind?"

They eventually agreed on a nice pizza place for dinner, and then saw a movie. It was a science-fiction film about a scientist who had to escape a secret laboratory, evading evil machines and experiments, using only strange gadgets to survive.

Cute.

The next day, Chell was looking through Wheatley's laptop. She was curious about the core-to-human transfer, wondering how a programmed machine (no offense intended to Wheatley) could be placed into something as complex as a human mind. She accessed his memory files from just before the procedure.

_Plug me in! Plug me in!_

Core accepted into procedure. Commence transfer?

_Yes! _

Specify type of procedure.

_Ah, what? Come again?_

Specify type of procedure. Core-to-human or human-to-core?

_Well, seeing as I'm the one not in stasis, I'm gonna go with the first one._

Singular transfer procedure or transfer all?

_Well, I want all of me to make it through the transfer, don't I? Transfer all. TRANSFER ALL!_

Beginning complete core transfer on all systems.

After that, all that remained on the document was a set of binary that Chell could only interpret as Wheatley screaming throughout the procedure.

Wait.

Core transfer on _all_ systems?

Fingers flying over the keyboard, Chell searched through the full command definition of "Transfer All." Her face paled when she saw it.

Transfer All: In the event of a core transfer, all test subjects in selected test system can be transferred at once. _All of them._

jO x )o(

"Whea-Wheatley?" Chell's voice was going at the mere thought of returning to that godforsaken place.

"Yes, luv?"

"When you transferred, did anything… unusual… happen?"

"You mean other than my very essence being drained out of a metal ball and into a big, squishy human? No, not really. Why do you ask?"

Chell turned the laptop so that the screen faced him. She pointed to the center of the page where the definition of "Transfer All" innocuously sat.

"Well. Um… That… could be trouble…"

"We have to go back."

"Back?"

Chell swallowed hard. "We're going back to Aperture."

**Dun dun DUN!**

**Edit: I can't believe I didn't put in the explanation for why Wheatley has an apartment. I'm also surprised I didn't get flamed for it. Huh.**


	6. Interlude: Caroline

**And now, a brief interlude. **

_**Meanwhile, far underground…**_

Caroline slowly yawned awake. She opened her eyes, surprised to see the harsh white light of a laboratory. _What did I drink last night?_ she wondered. She wasn't much of a drinker, but maybe there was a party…? She couldn't remember. She tried to stretch her stiff limbs, but was startled to discover that she couldn't move. She was strapped to some sort of table. Doubt ate away at her earlier party theory. Caroline tried hard to remember the previous night's events, but instead found herself daydreaming about her late boss and trusted friend, Cave Johnson. He was a… exciting fellow, a bit long-winded at times, especially towards the end of his life. He would go on long, drawn-out rants, mostly about science, but also about his own personal "philosophies." One particular speech was about his personal take on "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Something about… burning houses down? Caroline was hit by a brief, confusing shot of memory. She was tired, run-down, having trouble thinking straight. She heard Cave's familiar, wonderful voice break through her muddled mind, yelling about lemons, and she joyously chimed in, enjoying the moment of fun, slightly violent insanity that she (at that moment) shared.

In that same memory, she saw a woman's face giving her a slightly alarmed look. That face… Caroline was certain she had never seen it before, and yet she knew it as well as she knew her own. A rush of rage swept through her. Oh, how she _hated_ that woman! But… she didn't even know who it was! Caroline shook her head to clear it, rattling several wires that were attached to her forehead via suction cups. First things first, she had to get up. Twisting her wrist, she discovered that one of her bonds was loose. She managed to wriggle her right hand free, and then used that to rip through the other straps. Plucking the suction cups from her scalp, she sat up and rubbed her temples. An agenda began to form in her mind. First, she was going to find some coffee. Then she was going to find out what the hell was going on here.

**Caroline successfully removed.**


	7. Going Back

**Double update! Woohoo!**

Chell packed the black backpack with everything she thought they might need. The computer and the radio, several granola and protein bars, a dozen bottles of water, and a first-aid kit. She longed to bring her Companion Cube along, but she knew it was too heavy to carry for very long. Besides, what would she do if she ran into an Emancipation Grill? No, as much as it pained her to admit, the safest place for her trusted companion was here, far from the hell of Aperture Laboratories.

She now confronted her measly fashion collection with the age-old problem of women everywhere. _What to wear?_ Of course, Chell had a different idea of what was appropriate to wear out than most women. Her Long-Fall Boots were a must, of course. They had proven themselves to be quite useful, even better than the Advanced Knee Replacements that had been destroyed when she was dragged back underground.

She tried not to think about that past failure. She had been blasted out of the center, into some kind of parking lot. She saw the sun, smelled fresh air, but she was too weak to run away from the smoldering wreckage of GLaDOS' old body. All she could do was lie there, panting, until she was found by the Party Escort Bot. _And yet, now I'm going back there of my own free will. Maybe I _do_ have brain damage._

Chell decided to wear her old Aperture tank top, mostly out of nostalgia. It _was_ comfortable, though. She refused, however, to wear the old orange jumpsuit. It was designed to be dehumanizing, to strip away a test subject's individuality. Instead, she chose soft blue pants that allowed for full range of motion. _Hmm,_ she thought, _orange to blue. How fitting._ She slung the bag over her back and smiled.

She was going back.

And this time, she would be ready.

jO x )o(

"Are you absolutely certain we have to be doing this? There is a possibility that you, ah, misinterpreted the definition! Yes, that _is_ a possibility. Or, hell, maybe I messed up the data transfer anyway! You know, that's probably it. So we can go home now! Right?" Wheatley looked hopefully at Chell, but she continued tromping through the wheat, her boots making strange footprints in the mud.

"We have to do this." Once Chell committed to something, she never, ever gave up. Even if it required doing the unthinkable. Even if it meant going back.

"And why exactly is that?" Wheatley, on the other hand, gave up quite easily. He lacked the calm stubbornness of his formerly mute friend.

"Because you made this mess, and now you have to clean it up." she replied simply, brushing aside another stalk of wheat.

"But I'm probably just going to botch it up!" he protested.

"That's why I'm coming with you. Without me there, you'll probably be back on a management rail, being pecked by birds in Android Hell in about 6.2 picoseconds after opening the door!"

Wheatley started to argue, and then conceded. She was probably right…

As the old shed came into view above the wheat, Chell talked less and less, while Wheatley talked more and more. Old habits die hard.

They reached the shed door far earlier than either of them would have hoped. Wheatley turned to Chell and asked nervously, "Are you still a good jumper?"

She brushed a strand of hair out of his face and said, completely serious, "Apple."

He grinned. Whatever happened now, they would face their respective fates side-by-side.

/o\ (o)

"This next test involves falling from great heights. Be careful." At that moment, the floor opened up and the two cooperative robots plunged down about a mile or so.

As they fell, Orange, aka P-Body, turned to her companion, Blue, aka Atlas, and chattered something to him in their language of clicks and beeps. He understood her perfectly. _Not even a portal surface?,_ the taller bot was saying

Atlas felt inclined to agree. She usually had the sarcasm turned up full blast, but just now the boss was being downright cruel. They knew she was twisted and sadistic, certainly, but there was always a solution to her tests. Here, it was just a long iron-lined shaft. She would never just kill them because She could. Would She? After Atlas and P-Body saw Her dismiss that test subject, She had been different. Colder, quieter, more evil, and yet She didn't seem to feel any satisfaction. _What do you think happened?_ He chattered to P-Body. Before she could reply, however, they hit an Aerial Faith Plate at the bottom of the shaft. They were launched back up, and promptly crushed between two spiked plates.

**Poor Atlas and P-Body! GLaDOS is a bit crabby. I wonder why…**

**Also, thank you so much for the kind reviews! I usually don't update until I'm good and ready, but when I see people anxious to see what happens, I work like crazy to make you guys happy!**

**DMLunatic out!**


	8. Hello, and again, welcome to

Chell had stopped talking the moment the door had opened. To her great surprise, it was unlocked, although still very difficult to open, what with it being made of eight inches of steel and all. Now they were slowly descending past empty rooms. She recalled the last time she had come this way. More turrets than she had ever seen in her life had gathered to sing her a beautiful opera. She had no idea why they would do such a thing, or how they could make music in the first place. The elevator continued, and the largest room came into view.

At first glance, it was devoid of any turrets, musical or not. Then a soft sound could be heard through the glass. "_Oh la mia ragazza meravigliosa,_" the soft Italian song was coming from the center of the room, where the fat turret, the one who had sung before, sat. It (she?) was singing a slightly different tune, this one sadder and weighted with regret. "_siete stati veramente i migliori. La mia dolce, perché sei andato? Non c'é scienza, non scienza senza di te. Mia cara, mi dispiace. Ti amo, ti amo, mia cara._" Chell remembered that line. She had looked it up on Wheatley's laptop. "Mia cara" meant "my dear." **[A/N: Translation available at bottom of chapter]**

Before they could hear the rest of the song, the elevator was out of the room and deeper in the facility. Chell came out of her music-induced daze as she realized where this elevator led.

They were going directly to Her chamber.

Without so much as a portal gun this time.

This would _not _be good.

[0]

GLaDOS was aware of the approaching elevator. How could She not be? Through her camera links, She saw that murderer and… oh, and who was that with her? She performed a quick scan and chuckled darkly when she saw the results. This would be interesting.

jO x )o(

Seeing the look on Chell's face, he realized what was about to happen moments before it did. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it encouragingly. He knew that determined look in her grey eyes.

"GLaDOS," Chell murmured, "I'm home."

The elevator finally came to a stop and slid open, leaving them exposed and unprotected from Her glaring gold optic.

"I thought I told you not to come back." She said indifferently. Somehow, that made Her even more threatening. "Oh well, nothing a little neurotoxin won't fix."

Suddenly Wheatley cried out from behind Chell. "Got it! Go, go, go!" She whirled around to see him with his laptop in his hands, with the panel behind the elevator pushed forward a bit. Not missing the opportunity, she darted through the gap, Wheatley close on her heels. "Just like old times, eh?" he called as they ran.

Chell laughed in spite of herself. It was cut short, however, as GLaDOS' voice came over the intercom.

"Just so you know, _moron_, I've taken the liberty of placing security cameras back here. So I know _exactly_ where you are."

"I am NOT a-" Chell grabbed his arm, pulling him along. There was a sign on a door ahead of them:

**TEST SUBJECT CRYOSLEEP CHAMBERS**

ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK

She yanked the door open and dragged poor Wheatley through, slamming it shut behind them. She leaned against the door frame, panting for a moment.

Then, she looked up.

What seemed to be miles of box-rooms on giant rails loomed before them. She shot Wheatley a panicked look. _Which ones?_ They had to find those transferred cores, and fast. Who knows what would happen if they were running around?

"Okay, um, it looks like it's probably over… this way. Yep, I'm absolutely guaranteeing you 100 percent that this is the right way. Nope, it's not this way."

Chell snorted. _Heard that one before._ She snatched the computer out of his hands and tapped a few keys, pulling up a schematic of the area. They were in luck. The Personality Core Transfer Initiative test subjects' chambers were right down the hall. Not wasting a moment of freedom, (there were no cameras in the Cryosleep area) she led the way to the nearest Transfer's room. When they reached the door, Wheatley tapped a few keys on the pad next to it.

"AAAAA…" he muttered under his breath. Chell frowned. He still thought _that_ was an acceptable password?

She nudged him out of the way and typed the password she had seen on a wall in a test chamber. "T-i-e-r-3"

The door unlocked with a click. Wheatley grumbled something about beginner's luck. "_If_ you don't mind, this was my job for _quite_ a while, so I think I can take it from here." He leaned forward and started to take the test subject out of stasis. While he was working, Chell looked up which core this one was and groaned at the result. At that moment, the door swung open, revealing a muscular man with a square jaw and a lady-killing smile.

"Quick," he said, "what's the situation?"

**Core party coming up! For now though, here's is what that insult to opera was all about.**

_Oh la mia ragazza meravigliosa, siete stati veramente i migliori._

_Mia dolce, perché sei andato? _

_Non c'é scienza, non scienza senza di te. _

_Mia cara, mi dispiace. _

_Ti amo, ti amo, mia cara. _

_Oh my wonderful girl, you were truly the best._

_My sweet, why did you go?_

_There is no science, no science without you._

_My dear, I am sorry._

_I love you, I love you, my dear._

**I APOLOGIZE FOR MANGLING THE ITALIAN LANGUAGE!**


	9. New Friends

**More cores! Yay! Note: I will be using their human names, but I've tried to make them as easy as possible. The cores who didn't out-and-out say their names have ones that are as close to their core names as possible.**

Wheatley began explaining the "situation" to Rick. "See, I accidentally-"

Rick stopped him. "Hey, I wanna hear it from the lady." He flashed Chell a smile. To Wheatley's relief, she just rolled her eyes and started searching for the next transferred core's room. Wheatley also noticed, with no small amount of envy, that Rick had no trouble mastering complex human motor skills, such as walking.

"The next one is over here." Chell said softly. She wasn't going to speak down here unless she had to.

"Oh, so you can talk? I believe the last time I saw you, I did most of the talking." Rick smiled again. "Of course, that could be simply because you were intimidated by my impressive entrance. But now that we know each other a little better, how 'bout you tell me a little more about yourself. What's your name, gorgeous?"

"It's Chell. Now, if you please? We have some people to save." She started down the catwalk.

"Oh ho, what have we got? Damsels in distress? Sounds like an adventure to me! Count me in!"

They approached the next box-room with a Transfer subject. "This one belongs to… Carrie Brooks." Chell read off of the computer screen.

"So it _is_ a damsel in distress!" Rick crowed. "This'll be good!"

"Which core was she?" Wheatley asked.

Chell checked. "Oh. Oh, I don't think we'll find this one… alive."

The others stopped mid-step and turned to her, startled.

"This one was the Curiosity Core. I… I incinerated it a while back." Chell stared guiltily at her feet. "We can always check, though."

Wheatley's face fell. Rick's, however, brightened. He seemed almost pleased at the aspect of danger. Wheatley sadly began to thaw out Carrie's stasis chamber. The automated voice began to play, informing the box's occupant that she had been in suspension for 99999- something. When the "exercises" began, Chell could stand it no longer and shoved the door open, afraid of what she might see on the bed. She was shocked to hear a bright, cheerful voice saying, "Hi! Who are you? Where am I?"

)o( )o( )o(

Chell took a step back in shock. Nestled comfortably between the covers was a shockingly young test subject. She was no more than fourteen, with curly honey-blond hair and an inquisitive look in her amber eyes.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "You're the lady from the tests! Why did you throw me in the fire?" She didn't sound upset, just curious.

"I… I'm sorry." Chell stammered.

The girl tilted her head and froze. "What did I just…" She turned her head down and got a good look at herself. For what was probably the first time in her life, she was speechless. "I… I'm…" Chell rushed forward to help the poor girl sit up.

"Human. Big change, huh?" Chell smiled softly. "Are you alright?"

"Yes. I think so. I… wait. Did I just… answer a question?" She seemed confused. Chell had to admit that answering instead of asking was out of character for the core that was _designed_ to be curious. But she wasn't a little robot anymore, she was a living, breathing human girl now.

Chell helped her to her feet. "Can you walk?"

Curiosity took one unsteady step, then another. Then she stumbled and leaned on wall to balance. Chell put her arm around the girl's shoulder and helped her walk a bit more. After a while, Curiosity could move about on her own, albeit not very gracefully. While the former core explored her room, ("What's that? Ooh, what's that? No, that other thing!") Chell spotted two hair elastics on the side table.

"Here," she said, stepping up behind Curiosity. She gently pulled the teen's curls into a pair of low pigtails. "These will keep your hair out of your face. We're probably going to be doing a lot of running."

Curiosity bounced to the bathroom to look in the mirror. " Ooh! They're pretty! Do you think I'm pretty? Wait, running? What are we going to do?"

"We're going to test, Curiosity. We're going to be doing a lot of tests."

Satisfied by this answer, she scurried out the door, to where Wheatley and Rick were explaining the "situation" to a brown-haired man with cloudy blue eyes. They turned when the door opened.

"Chell, meet Intelligence. Intelligence, this is Chell." Wheatley introduced them.

Intelligence turned to Chell, shaking slightly. "Do you like cake?"

Chell nodded, yes, she liked cake very much, then she remembered where she was.

Wheatley cut in. "Not your cake."

"Ooh, what's cake? Is it good? Can I have some? Why are you shaking?" Curiosity piped up.

"Oh, sorry." Chell said. "This is-"

"Miss Carrie, I presume?" Intelligence said smoothly, not sounding the least bit insane.

"Carrie? Who's-" Curiosity stopped. "Carrie…" she said again, testing out the word. "Yes, that was my name, wasn't it?" She nodded slowly. "I would like to be called Carrie, okay? That's who I am now, right?"

"Yeah, mate." Wheatley smiled. "You're Carrie now."

"And I believe my former name would be appropriate as well, yes?" Intelligence spoke up. "Unfortunately, I can't seem to recall…"

"Let's see… according to this, your name is," Wheatley pointed to his screen, "Isaac. Isaac Cook."

"Yes, Isaac, that's it." He started shaking again. "Would… would you like some cake?"

While Wheatley tried to stabilize Isaac, Rick sidled up to Carrie. "Hey there, little lady. Name's Rick. You wanna have a little adventure?"

Chell glared at him and mouthed "_She's thirteen!_" He shrugged nonchalantly.

She raised one fist.

He quickly stepped away from the confused teenager.

"Come on," called Wheatley, "the next core is waiting."

)o( )o( )o(

"Fact: I am hallucinating."

"Fact:" Chell retorted "Computers can't hallucinate."

The Fact Core blinked. He hadn't thought of that.

"Fact:" he said thoughtfully, pondering his data, "You are clever."

She grinned. "Fact: I know. Now come on, Craig."

"Craig?" Fact mumbled one of his frequently repeated data points. "According to most advanced algorithms, the world's best name is Craig."

"Here." Chell handed him the half-moon glasses on the table. He stared at them for a moment.

"Eyeglasses were invented in the Twelfth Century by Salvino D'Armate, who discovered that they made him look smarter."

"Just put them on."

He did so, and soon they were in the hall again. He didn't have as much trouble walking as Carrie had, but he still leaned on Wheatley for support.

Speaking of Carrie, she was listening intently to everything Craig was saying.

"Carrie, can I talk to you for a second?" Chell beckoned her over.

"What is it?" Carrie asked.

"It's about Craig."

"What about him? He's really smart." She tipped her head thoughtfully. "Although, I don't think that rope _has_ a square root."

"Exactly. He usually… well, he usually has no idea what he's talking about. So I wouldn't depend on him for information if I were you."

"Okay!" Carrie skipped off to pester Wheatley about who they were saving next.

"Ah, according to this, the next one is a woman named Morgan Parker." Wheatley informed her.

"Ooh, what core was she?" Carrie was trying to get a peek at the screen.

"She was… huh? What's 'Mortality Core' mean? Capability to die? Sounds like a bloody useless function to me…"

"Moron, that says 'Morality Core.'" Chell said.

Wheatley feigned a cough. "*coff* I'mnotamoron.*coff*"

"Ooh! I know her! She's really quiet, though." As an afterthought, Carrie added, "But so were you!"

Soon, the sixth personality core was awoken from stasis. Chell waited patiently as Morality opened her eyes, looked thoughtful for a second, and lifted herself into a sitting position. Despite being in stasis for at least 99999 somethings, her short, black hair was perfectly neat. Unlike Carrie's, whose mane of gold curls had to be forced into pigtails, or even Chell's, who hadn't taken her hair out of her ponytail… ever. Not that she could remember, anyway.

"Help me up, please?" Morality's voice was soft and soothing. Chell immediately went over to her bedside and assisted her. Morality got the hang of motor skills fairly quickly. However, speaking gave her more trouble. She couldn't talk above a whisper.

Once the core was steady on her feet, she looked Chell up and down judgmentally. "You put me in the incinerator."

It was a simple statement, and true to boot, but Chell still felt accused and guilty. She mumbled an apology like a little kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

"I'm sorry… Morgan."

Morality started. Morgan… She nodded briskly. "Yes, that's me. Shouldn't you be getting me out of here?"

"Oh! Right, yes, sorry, um, the others are all right out here." Chell realized why Morgan had been chosen to tell GLaDOS right from wrong. The woman's gentle voice and maternal tone made her somehow manipulative. It was really quite annoying, but Chell couldn't really complain. That was part of Morgan's charm.

In the hall, everyone was introduced, although Carrie and Isaac already knew Morgan from their time on GLaDOS. Rick took one look at Morgan and turned on the charm full blast.

"Well hell-o, good lookin'! What's a gorgeous lady like yourself doin' all the way down here? Surely you would rather join me sometime for a little-"

His efforts were met by Morgan's palm across his cheek.

"That… wasn't very moral." Wheatley whispered to Chell.

"Everybody's outside of their programming now." She guessed. "She doesn't _have _to be moral anymore."

The next core was in an upper box. None of them really trusted the rusty elevator to support their weight, but it held up surprisingly well.

Wheatley habitually thawed out the next subject, a man named Avon Torres.

"He was the Anger Core, watch out for this one." Chell warned the group.

However, long after the "exercise" recordings had ended, there was still no sound from the box. Finally, Chell could stand it no longer. She burst into the room. What she saw there turned her blood to ice water.

A man with black hair lay between rumpled sheets.

He wasn't moving.

**Cliff hangers galore! AH HAHAHAHAHAHA!**


	10. Old Acquaintances

Chell darted back out onto the catwalk. "Come quick!"

The others followed her into the room. When they saw the scene on the bed, Morgan and Isaac shared a glace. Carrie darted to the man's side and laid a finger to his neck.

"He's dead." she intoned solemnly.

Morgan stepped forward. "I was afraid of that." She knelt beside Carrie, who was starting to cry. "Remember the incinerator, dear?" Carrie nodded through her tears. "Just below Her chamber, the incinerator room has a ledge. A platform, really, just as a failsafe. We all landed on it."

Chell interrupted. "But GLaDOS said I'd destroyed the cores- I mean, you. Erm, I mean… never mind."

"No," Morgan replied, "you just cut off our connection to Her. In the heat of battle, I suppose She couldn't tell the difference. _Any_way," the way she said it made Chell feel quite guilty for interrupting, "we all landed on the platform. Anger was, well, closer to the edge. He was still writhing and growling, even down there, and… he shook too hard. He fell."

Isaac nodded. "It was sad. He yelled the whole way."

Carrie wiped her eyes. "And then we couldn't hear him anymore. But I thought he was still okay! I thought we could withstand temperatures up to 4000 degrees Kelvin!"

Morgan put her arm around the girl's shoulder. "But what use would an Emergency Intelligence Incinerator be if it weren't a few degrees higher?"

Carrie burst into a fresh wave of tears. Wheatley darted to the bathroom to fetch her a box of tissues.

Chell felt like crying, too, but the sadness was somehow detached. She was numb.

Then she felt it.

_She had killed someone._

The shock must have registered on her face, because Wheatley offered her a tissue, too.

_She was a murderer._

"Are you alright there, little lady?" Rick asked from the door, not really part of the emotional hoopla.

"I… I _am_ a horrible person. She was right. _I _killed him." Chell mumbled to herself.

"What? No! That's- that's-" Wheatley seemed at a loss for words.

"Completely true." Morgan stated flatly. "Oh, don't look at me like that, it is. You threw him in an incinerator, and as a result, he died. However, it is almost certain that had you _not_ thrown him in an incinerator, _you_ would have died."

This didn't do much to calm Chell down, but it _did_ make sense. After all, if she had waited a second longer to throw the Anger Core in the fire, the neurotoxin would have certainly done her in. Sighing, the lab rat reached over to pull the sheets over the dead man's face. Everyone but Rick wiped a tear from their eye as they left that lonely room.

"One core left…" muttered Wheatley. He glanced at his computer screen and gasped, his blue eyes widening, and he took off down the hall at a dead sprint.

)o( )o( )o(

By the time the rest of the group caught up with him, Wheatley was already in a chamber with the door wide open. Chell joined him in the doorway.

Curled up under the sheets was a boy, about twelve years old, with spiky blond hair. He was twitching in his sleep, mumbling.

Chell leaned closer.

"I'm in space… space… so much space…. in space….!"

Wheatley sighed with relief. "Space is an awfully long way away, I wasn't sure if the transfer would still work with that much distance. Looks like he's fine, though. Except, he's still asleep. Do you think something went wrong?"

Chell gently shook the boy's shoulder.

"Sp-space?" His eyes darted frantically around the room. "Where did space go?" He spotted Chell. "Space-lady! Hi space-lady! I was in SPACE!"

She smiled. "I know you were. But Wheatley here-"

"Wheatie? Wheatie's here?" The boy strained to see Wheatley, who came up to the bed. "Space-buddy!

"Yeah, yeah, I'm here, mate. How're you feeling?" Wheatley was smiling. Chell realized that they must've bonded while they were stranded in space.

"I feel… good. Not as good as when I was in-" Space sucked in a breath, and everyone braced for the inevitable shout of "SPAAAAAAAACE!", but it never came. To everybody's surprise, he continued calmly. "-space, but… pretty good."

"Do you know what happened?" Chell asked him carefully. As far as she was concerned, the less yelling the better.

"I was in space, it was space-tastic," he smiled at the made-up word, "and I woke up here. And apparently I can move?" He didn't seem to trust his latest information.

"Let me explain." Wheatley began. "No, there's no time. Let me sum up. I transferred everybody to human bodies, which actually are _our_ human bodies from before we were cores, I know, weird, right? And so anyway, I went up to the surface and found Chell in a loony bin she's okay now, though, and we came back and we escaped from Her and saved Rick and Carrie and Isaac and Craig and Morgan and Avon was dead but you're okay, and that's brilliant! To make a long story short-"

"Too late," chorused everyone else.

Wheatley ignored them. "To make a long story short, we're humans, and we are almost certainly fleeing for our lives."

"W-wait, why does everybody have different names?" Space asked, trying to take in all this new information.

"We like our human names!" Carrie chirped from the hall.

"Who said that?" Space tried to stand and wound up flat on his face.

"I did!" Carrie said excitedly, coming in and giggling at Space's clumsiness.

Chell refrained from reminding her that she hadn't done much better.

Carrie helped him up. Once he could stand, Space had boundless energy.

"Human names? What's mine? Is it cool, like… Spacey McSpacecop?"

"Your name was… I mean, is… Seth. Seth Cole." Chell informed him. "Not exactly Spacey McSpacecop, but I think it fits you."

The newly-renamed Seth turned to Carrie and said excitedly, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Girl! Guess what!"

"What?" Carrie responded, delighted to have someone _want_ her to ask a question.

"Space!" Seth replied with a huge grin.

"What's space?" Carrie asked, thrilled to learn something new.

"It's SPACE!" Seth explained unhelpfully.

Carrie, undeterred, asked, "What's in space?"

"Nebulas. Black holes. Star. Another star. Moon. More stars. Galaxies. SPAAAACE!"

"Tell me more about space!" Carrie took Seth by the arm, helping him balance as they went out onto the catwalk to chat.

"Huh." Wheatley said, a little shocked by what had transpired. "I… wasn't exactly expecting that."

"They make such a cute couple!" Chell said, smiling. "He'll never run out of things to say, and she'll never get bored of hearing them.

"Yeah, yeah, true love at first sight." Rick grumbled, clearly bitter that he was having worse luck than a twelve-year old kid.

When the main group rejoined the blond couple, they began to discuss their plans (or lack thereof.)

"Well, that should account for everyone," Chell said, looking around, "assuming there weren't any other cores…?" When all of the former robots shook their heads, she continued. "I was hoping I could get you all out before She noticed, but obviously that isn't going to happen. Now, I don't know what She's going to do to us, but we have to stick together and-"

Chell trailed off, gazing behind the group. On the catwalk was a woman in her thirties, dressed in business attire. A small red scarf was tied around her neck. Her hair was long and dark, and she carried a coffee cup in one hand.

"Oh!" said the woman, causing the group to turn around. "Hello. I didn't…" she stopped. Her brown eyes met Chell's grey ones, and the woman stopped, her pretty-as-a-postcard face twisting into a sneer.

"Oh. It's _you_."

**And so she returns to our main plot, apparently with some Plot Hole Brand Coffee! Yum…**

**So yeah, sorry to all you Anger Core fans out there.**

**And yes, I totally ship Spacosity. Chelley is great, but Spacosity is just **_**too cute!**_

**Oh, and I have a ~surprise~ for Mystic 777 for getting Chell's reaction to the Anger Core situation exactly right. Deploying ~surprise~ in five, four, three, two-**_** bzzt**_**.**


	11. Interlude: Surprise

**Naturally, the surprise is some unrelated bonus content! What were you expecting, neurotoxin? Puh-lease.**

"Agh! Bird! Bird!" Wheatley screamed, running in circles as the "winged demon" fluttered above his head.

Chell sat back; enjoying the spectacle he was making, and right in the main AI chamber, too!

"Bird? Where? Kill it! Kill it!" GLaDOS chimed in, spinning in terrified circles from her spot on the ceiling.

"Ooh! What's that?" Carrie ran forward and moved to grab the bird. Startled, it pecked her hand. "Ouch! It bit me! Why did it do that?"

"You just scared it, that's all." Morgan whispered in her usual hushed voice. Unfortunately, nobody heard her over the yelps of the three now-ornithophobic cores.

Seth stepped in front of Carrie bravely, allowing her to examine her wound. He thrust his arms out at his sides in the universal _leave-her-alone-or-else-you-have-to-deal-with-me_ position. The bird, apparently, did not belong to that particular universe, as it interpreted his pose as _perch-on-me-and-I-am-also-delicious_.

"I liked space better," he grumbled, rubbing his sore arm at Carrie's side. "There weren't any meanie birds in space. And if there were, the space-cops would lock them up in space-jail!"

"Leave this to the professionals, kids." Rick stepped up and raised his stereotypical pistol which he had acquired through yet another plot hole. "And by professionals, I mean me."

"Oh, bother." Morgan muttered as he winked at her.

Rick fired off three shots, all of which missed the bird entirely. One of them, however, dinged against GLaDOS' white metal shell.

"Watch it, you moron!" She hissed, "I have an entire core for doing moronic things, and _he_ is already more than enough."

The bird squawked and flew straight at Rick's face, scratching him with its talons.

Rick finally dropped his hero act and resorted to yelling "Get-it-off-me-get-it-off-me!"

"Fact: Crows are the only venomous birds." Craig declared. "That's a crow, by the way."

Everyone who had gotten pecked screamed. The noise only angered the bird, and it flew at the nearest pair of eyes.

Craig's, of course.

His glasses cracked on the impact. He jumped back, yelping, "Do not damage the Most Handsome Sphere!" This invoked a rather loud snort from Rick. As they quarreled, the bird flew up to a little perch on the wall.

"Look, we need to-" Morgan spoke up, but no one was listening. She put two fingers to her lips and gave a huge whistle. Everyone shut up immediately, even Wheatley. "Thank you," she continued. "Look, we obviously have to find a way to get rid of this bird."

"I have an idea." GLaDOS said in her most malevolent voice, the one she usually reserved for Chell. A wall panel slammed out at the bird, but it only skimmed a few feathers off as the crow took off in a panic, flapping wildly. "Hold still, dammit!" GLaDOS cursed as more panels tried to squish the poor creature.

By now, Chell was silently laughing so hard that tears were streaming down her cheeks. _Geez, GLaDOS,_ she thought, _if that trick didn't work on someone as __big__ as _me_…_

"Use the mashy spike-plates!" Wheatley encouraged.

"Good idea!" GLaDOS was already having a go at the bird with the very weapon that had nearly turned Her into mashed potatoes when She realized what She had said. "You're still a moron…"

Wheatley very nearly accepted this, as he was too busy being baffled that She had actually gone along with one of his ideas. Oh, She would never live that down!

"Look this isn't getting us anywhere…" Morgan stopped, feeling something tugging her hair.

She lost it.

"AHHHHHHHH!" she screamed, although it was still no louder than any regular person's speaking voice. The crow flapped frantically around her head as if she was a cartoon character that had just received a minor case of serious brain damage. It was tangled in her (usually impeccably neat) hair!

While the author mentally slapped herself for that cartoon reference, Isaac, who had been quiet the entire time, stepped forward.

"Three-point-six cups sunflower seeds…" he murmured, extending a hand to the ensnared animal.

Everyone's jaw dropped (although in GLaDOS' case it was purely metaphorical) as the bird visibly calmed enough for Isaac to gently take it in his hand, although it was still caught in Morgan's hair.

"Great! You got it!" cried GLaDOS in relief. "Now kill it! Quickly! Before it flies away!"

Isaac ignored Her. "Eight-point-three ounces raisins…" He delicately began to untie the bird.

"One box Cinnamon-Apple oatmeal…" He untangled the bird's wings.

"Two and a half cups peanut butter…" Now its legs were free.

"One-point-seven cups almonds…" Finally Morgan could pull free.

"And garnishes such as dried cranberries, currants, and edible flowers." Isaac finished. Rather than fly away, though, the crow nuzzled its head against Isaac's chest.

"Amazing! How did you manage that?" Wheatley asked, straightening his glasses.

Isaac just smiled.

"That sounded like a real birdseed recipe." GLaDOS said suspiciously.

"That's because it was. Why wouldn't it be?"

GLaDOS quickly decided against mentioning his cake recipe, as he _was_ holding a bird, after all.

Isaac looked down at the bird he had cupped in his hands, gently stroking its ebony feathers. "May I keep him?"

To which EVERYONE responded with a resounding "_**NO!**_"


End file.
